The myth of emotional control- Can we control thoughts or emotions?
As human beings, we are creatures that have complex emotional lives, and part of that is the fact that sometimes we have thoughts or emotions that we really don’t like to feel. With social anxiety, panic attacks, and other types of anxiety, we are faced with situations that feel scary or seem to be risky. Anxiety, fear, dread, and other emotions feel really uncomfortable and might show up with physical symptoms too. For instance, someone who has panic attacks while driving might feel intense anxiety in the form of heart pounding, chest tightness, and shakiness. This might make us avoid certain situations or people because we don’t like to feel that intense level of discomfort. We feel as though we have to “get control” of our emotions or thoughts because we feel so out of control.
Our friends and family might tell us “don’t worry” or “just don’t think like that” or “think positive!.” While these loved ones have good intentions and are trying to help us feel better, the underlying message is that we can control our thoughts and emotions and make them go away if we just try hard enough. But is that really true? Probably not. The strongest evidence I have for that is that anxious thoughts and feelings are deeply uncomfortable, and if we could just will ourselves to get rid of them, I don’t think anyone would ever feel anxious ever again. We like to think that we can control our inner world the same way we can control the external world- if the trash in my kitchen smells, I take it to the dumpster, or if my lightbulb is broken, I replace it. When we try to get rid of or replace unwanted thoughts or emotions, we’re applying the same logic to our mind. But how do we know if a thought is gone? We have to think of it first to ask ourselves the question of whether it’s there, and BOOM, you’ve already lost because now you’re thinking about it. The same is true for trying to replace emotions. If I asked you to genuinely fall in love with a stranger by the end of the day today for a million dollars, could you do it? When I ask this question, most people tell me no, that even when the stakes are really high, they can’t make themselves feel a really happy emotion.
All this to say, it’s a complete myth that we can completely control our thoughts or emotions, though people are very creative in trying out different ways of getting rid of or avoiding unwanted thoughts and emotions. With social anxiety and panic attacks, there are a few patterns that I’ve noticed that people use to try and get rid of their emotions, how other people perceive them, or try to prevent feeling a certain way. We’ll cover a few of these patterns over the next few posts.
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